


If You Want To Be Hated

by aslongasyourehere



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Study, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 15:54:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29191866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aslongasyourehere/pseuds/aslongasyourehere
Summary: “But I,” He gripped Itachi’s collar. “I can’t hate you. Won’t. I will stand by you while you redeem yourself. And if you really want to be punished, I will be right there next to you, bearing the same pain. Because, Itachi, you are the most noble man I’ve ever had the luck to encounter .”
Relationships: Uchiha Itachi/Uchiha Sasuke
Comments: 8
Kudos: 32





	If You Want To Be Hated

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! I originally planned on writing this just for myself, as a hobby when I had some free time, thus keep it in mind that I'm going to make mistakes as a multilingual student, so don't be too hard on me :) Nevertheless, I've noticed that Itasasu/Sasuita fandom has always been lacking fics, so I decided, why not share some of my stuff? This is purely self-indulgent, considering I, myself have read all of Itasasu fics on this app (plus fanfiction.net), and yet we're still short compared to other ships.  
> I don't have a particular plan for this fic, it just goes with my moods, but I already wrote about 22k words, so the next chapter might be updated pretty soon, if my schedule doesn't change.  
> This fic is still being edited, so you will probably find lots of little mistskes and changes, sorry. Im still gonna ask you to enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it :) 
> 
> If anyone wants to edit/give ideas, or if u simply want to follow my other social media platforms, message me :))

Itachi Uchiha never had to come across the arduous choice of killing his clan. However, some sacrifices had to be made. His father stepped down from the position of the clan leader, Shisui Uchiha taking his place. It wasn’t as if Itachi was not given that choice; they all knew how powerful the Uchiha heir was. But Itachi’s state of mind was clouded. In reality, it was clouded since the moment he started developing coherent thoughts about the passing of life. The meaning of clans failed in comparison of the wellbeing of the world. His mind suffered trying to comprehend what actually mattered. Yet, every time he would think he’d put the needs of the peace in front of his own ones, and the needs of his clan, a little figure running into his arms would erase all of the unnecessary thoughts. At thirteen he realized he could never save the world in the expense of his little brother. Thankfully he had his best friend to carry the burden of peace with him. At the age of fourteen, after leaving Shisui in charge of the clan, he went undercover on a mission to infiltrate the Akatsuki. He knew that in order to protect the world and his little brother, he had to make sacrifices too. The organization known as Akatsuki threatened the wellbeing of the world that was already on the verge of collapsing. However, Konoha had the Fourth Hokage and the Uchihas had Shisui, so he was confident they would endure in his absence.

“Are you actually thinking about getting married at eighteen?” Sasuke was already wincing at the incoming headache. “Do you understand how stupid that sounds?”

“Hey, didn’t we basically save the world together? Even you can understand how short a shinobi life can be. We gotta live our lives fully, now that we can.”

Sasuke tried to understand him. He tried to imagine spending his life with one person, but the concept of a romantic kind of love didn’t come easily to him. He knew what their pink haired friend thought about him. He saw those eyes constantly following him, watching his growth. He understood the rushed almost-confessions, but he wasn’t cruel enough to lead her on for almost a decade. However, she claimed she understood what was in Sasuke’s heart. That the sadness in his eyes would go away if he just let himself be loved.

The thing was, Sasuke knew he was loved. He wasn’t the most sociable guy, but there were people he called his friends. And he had Naruto, who claimed he bore both of their pain.

He had his brother - the reason he hadn’t gone astray when their parents died. The reason Sasuke was alive and capable of forming those bonds. The proof of letting himself be loved were the ten years in which they have only met handful of times. The proof was in the very fact that he came back home with his friends, instead of looking for Itachi. The trust he put in his big brother failed in comparison of his own happiness.

The fact that Sakura couldn’t understand how nothing comes close to his one and only family member is what proves her theory wrong.

So he’d say that was the reason he couldn’t seem to understand Naruto’s want for lifelong companionship.

“Hey, now that we’re at peace, when’s Itachi’s top super-secret mission to save the world gonna end?” The moron and his constant need for yelling. He covered Naruto’s mouth with his hand. Mostly out of embarrassment.

_Sasuke barely ever talked about Itachi, he knew he couldn’t endanger him. It proved difficult though, because Itachi was basically his god, and little boys do love to brag._

_That led to one sunny afternoon when he and Naruto sat on the pavement in front of their favorite playground, ending up comparing powerful shinobi, making their own game where they would imaginarily pit them against each other and evaluate their strengths._

_“I’m sorry Sasuke, but my dad would beat everyone in this village!”_

_Sasuke kicked him in the shin, “He’s the Hokage, moron! He’s supposed to protect our village, not destroy it!”_

_“He’d probably even beat Uchiha Shisui, right?!”_

_Sasuke seemed to ponder over it, and even though he could imagine the Fourth winning, he knew there was one Uchiha that would definitely become the strongest Hokage one day._

_“Not my brother though. He’s super strong!” he rushed. “He can hit dozens of targets with his eyes closed! And he has the Sharingan! Oh and you should see his Katon! He was better than our dad at my age!”_

_Naruto just silently watched him, which was incredibly unusual for the loudmouthed boy. Sasuke realized he’d been rambling. He knew it was better not to talk about his big brother, but after three years of absence, he obviously needed an outlet. And it was his best friend in front of him, he could trust him._

_“Naruto, he’s on a top super-secret mission to save the world! But you can’t tell anyone!”_

_Naruto’s eyes widened, and then he nodded. He put out his pinky finger. Sasuke linked it with his._

_“Promise!” Naruto beamed. Sasuke exhaled._

_“Tell me more about him. I will beat him one day, if he really is the best ninja in the world. Then I’ll become the Hokage, right?”_

_“Keep dreaming.”_

“Don’t yell like a kid!” Sasuke hissed at him.

“But seriously, we’d been at peace for a month now. Is he coming back?” He lowered his voice, the two of them walking through the busy street.

“Of course he’s coming back.”

Naruto kept silent.

The days passed silently. He was assigned to missions either by himself or with the old Team Seven. He wasn’t interested in training genins, nor joining the Anbu. He just continued waiting. Maybe one day, when he finally finds peace, he’d pursue his childhood dream of joining the Police Force with his brother.

Naruto’s words kept him restless. Itachi would surely come back to his clan. The death of their parents left Sasuke in a permanent state of sorrow, but thanks to his brother it didn’t completely mess him up. They had each other, right? He no longer knew Itachi as well as he used to, but he surely wouldn’t abandon him, no matter how difficult the mission was.

Sasuke was an adult who survived the last six years by himself. He could wait. Really, that was all he knew.

Sasuke requested to be put on every available mission. After the Fourth Great War, he was well respected. Naruto and him were the key aspects of their victory. Sasuke didn’t like the attention. Naruto gloated in it.

Another two months have passed. Those days contained of lots of festivities. Celebrations were held at every corner of the village. He spent his free time with Naruto and the rest of the group. They were planning his wedding. Sasuke tried to help.

Sakura engaged him in meaningless conversation. He smiled. She blushed.

He would go home at night, when the rest of the clan wouldn’t look at him with sad eyes. They would ask him when his brother would come back. He didn’t know.

Shisui was busy. They didn’t have that much in common anyway.

“He’s a perfectionist,” Shisui would say on the rare occasions he’d find some free time. “It’s going to be soon, I know it. He’s going to wipe every last one of them.”

He learned about the mission right after the war started. Shisui told him in case he ran into an Akatsuki member. Infiltration. Sasuke felt like he was about to throw up right then and there. Itachi, the kindest person he’d ever encountered, hiding inside a group of people wanting to destroy their world.

 _He’s strong_ , he’d tell himself. He’d gotten stronger over years.

The fourth time Itachi visited him was the last time he’d seen of him. It was two years before the war, Sasuke’s sixteenth birthday. He’d gone out with friends to celebrate and gotten tipsy, when Naruto offered to walk him home.

_“Fuck off,” he tried not to slur. He managed “I know how to walk, see?”_

_He started in straight line, and landed on his ass._

_“Hinata is clearly waiting for you to walk her home, idiot.” Sakura was whispering, her eyes glazing at the black haired girl a couple a meters away from them. Or was it centimeters? Sasuke’s vision was probably distorted. Maybe he was a bit drunk._

_“I’ll walk him, it on my way.” It clearly wasn’t._

_Naruto let an exasperated sigh, and left them alone. Shit, that wasn’t going to end well._

_“Upsy daisy,” she pulled him by the arms and put his arm over her shoulder. At least he was stabilized._

_They walked in silence for a while. She seemed nervous. He wished she wouldn’t be._

_“Have you ever had a girlfriend?” she blurted._

_Sasuke tried to walk in a straight line, but he still needed her shoulder for the support._

_“Nope.”_

_Even in his state, he knew where it was leading. They’ve been on that road for quite some time. He rejected her every single one of them._

_Sasuke really couldn’t figure why he couldn’t her love her the way she loved him. He wanted to. He missed the warmth._

_“Do you like girls?”_

_That startled him. Girls are nice, soft. However, they would look at him for way too long, and it would always make him uncomfortable. Their voices were too high; he would often suppress a wince. And they would always be so excited to talk to him._

_They laughed. He wasn’t funny._

_“Girls are nice.”_

_“How about guys?” Sakura added hesitantly._

_She was trying to psychoanalyze him, to find out the reason he couldn’t love her._

_“Guys are cool, too.”_

_It wasn’t like that thought hadn’t crossed his mind. Sasuke often wondered why couldn’t he get excited over girls, which led to deep brain analysis. He liked the deep voices. They were soothing. He liked when Sishui patted him on the head when he was a kid. As he got older he often saw the changes on his body, the bodies of his friends while they were bathing, changing. On the missions. He didn’t hate the view, but he also didn’t want to do anything more than an occasional look. He might have wanted to touch it, but it felt wrong. It was pure curiosity, and he knew that kissing a guy wouldn’t make Sasuke want anything more. He was sure he was not asexual. Teenagers touch themselves, and he was human. But the bodies in his mind were warped, crying in ecstasy. Deep voices, calling out for Sasuke. Not a single clear face in sight._

_So, Sasuke never really gave himself a clear answer at the topic of sexuality. He probably liked guys more than girls, though._

_It was all very shallow._

_They were closing into the entrance of the Uchiha district. He removed his hand off Sakura’s shoulders._

_“Good night. Thanks.” He turned away from her._

_“I won’t give up on you, you know!” She quickly put her hand over her mouth. Sasuke’s head hurt._

_“You sound like Naruto.”_

_She showed a fraction of a smile. Sasuke smiled in return. He couldn’t give her anything more._

_They parted ways. His legs still felt wobbly. Someone seemed to be standing behind him._

_“Sakura, please-”_

_He turned around, expecting the pink haired girl, only to end up tilting his head up to see a mass of raven black hair and a warm smile._

_“’Tachi,” he exhaled._

_Itachi’s smile turned into a smirk, “What’s Sakura doing here, little brother?”_

_Sasuke took the opportunity to look him over. He was 22, a full grown up. He was always a grown up to him, but after years of infiltration he developed a new aura around him. He was stronger._

_But his eyes didn’t change. His face still possessed the boyish charm and his soul was always too kind. His hair was a bit longer, and Sasuke followed it to Itachi’s bare collarbone where the necklace of three rings glowed in the moonlight. He diverted his eyes back to his brother’s face, where the older boy was waiting for an answer._

_“My birthday, um, we all went for drinks. She offered to take me home,” he mumbled. Itachi laughed._

_“Looks like I managed to make it in time. It’s still your birthday, even though it seems my little brother had gotten drunk?”_

_Sasuke blushed immediately. He needed to stop the annoying habit. He was sixteen, for fuck’s sake._

_“I can handle my alcohol,” Somehow his eyes diverted to the ground._

_He felt hands envelope him. His head shot up, ending on Itachi’s warm shoulder. He inhaled._

_“Happy birthday Sasuke,” He could feel his brother’s breath on his ear, enveloping him in warmth. Itachi had always made him warm._

_He didn’t want to move. The security of the embrace, the breath on his neck. He loved his brother more than his brain could find the time to catch up. He didn’t want to go home alone again._

_“How long are you staying?” Sasuke knew it was going to be another few years before they'd see each other._

_Itachi straightened up, looking at him. Sasuke already missed him._

_“A few minutes. Took me a while just to get here, so I can’t stay for too long. Sorry, Sasuke.”_

_He shouldn’t have been the one apologizing. He sacrificed the last eight years for the village. The world._

_“The next time we meet, can you stay?” He still felt like a child in front of him._

_“Okay.”_

_It didn’t sound like a promise. He shouldn’t have expected a promise. He just needed to get stronger and help Itachi._

_“I’ll become someone dependable, you know,” He was still drunk, but it didn’t make his words any less true. “I’ll help you.”_

_Itachi smiled. Sasuke loved that smile. “I know. You already are.”_

He was one of the village heroes. He helped Itachi’s cause. So why wasn’t his brother coming home?

“Fireworks start at 9 sharp so I’m expecting everyone there at least 15 minutes earlier!” Ino basically yelled from her side of the table.

The group haven’t had a proper meal since the start of the war, and with all the reparations and new duties, it took them a good while to gather like before. Four teams split at seven o’clock to go home and get ready, because it was apparently completely necessary for everyone to be present that night.

“What’s the big deal?” He asked Naruto when the three of them separated from the group.

Sakura chuckled beside Naruto. The blonde sighed.

“So you know how absolutely smitten Shikamaru is for Temari?” Naruto started.

“No.”

He sighed again. “He’s proposing.”

“Another wedding next year!” Sakura clapped her hand and started jumping around excitedly.

“And we all need to be there for-?”

Naruto punched him on the shoulder. Sasuke glared.

“Because we’re his friends, of course!”

Sasuke was unimpressed. But he still had nothing better to do.

Another declaration of love. Just what the world needed.

“At least it isn’t directed to you.” So Naruto could now apparently read minds.

“Fuck you.”

Sakura was quiet. Naruto was right though. Ino stopped advancing a few months back, and the girls in the village apparently got the message and didn’t stop him on the street anymore. He could still feel the stares, though.

They parted ways, because it apparently took two hours to get ready and meet again.

Marriage, huh. He grew out of trying to analyze himself, accepting that constantly being cold was something he was going to have to get used to. Maybe he’d get a dog. 

He didn’t want to change, but he knew Ino would just glare at him. He put on the one fancy suit Naruto had begged him to buy a year ago. He couldn’t even remember why he ever needed one. It stretched around his biceps uncomfortably. Has his body changed that much since the war?

Sasuke wondered if Itachi had any suits. Hesitant, he walked to his brother’s room. He only went it once a month to clean the dust. Finding only training attires, he chuckled at the silliness. Why would Itachi need a suit? He was constantly improving himself, preparing for an inevitable fight. Even so, he was just a 14-year-old kid when he left. Nothing that would fit Sasuke.

He guessed he’d have to do with the one suit he had. Maybe he’d buy a couple of new ones when (if) Itachi returns.

The domesticity of shopping for clothes, of simply walking through the village with his brother wasn’t something he remembered clearly anymore.

He arrived twenty minutes earlier, finding most of them already at the meeting spot.

“Wow.” Ino whistled.

“Holy shit?” Naruto was seizing him up, along with his fiancée. He felt pretty damn uncomfortable.

“Fuck off, I had nothing else in my closet.”

He noticed Sakura’s blush, adverting his eyes. Way to make it weirder.

The whole village was gathering, everyone excited for the fucking fireworks. Sasuke put his hand in the pockets, eyeing the crowd. So happy. They were completely ignorant of the sacrifices other people did for the sake of that happiness.

However, he always had to stop that train of thoughts since they lead nowhere. He couldn’t be bitter about it when Itachi was doing everything for the sake of their peaceful future. In the shadows, where he couldn’t be praised. Where people couldn’t stop him on the streets and kids couldn’t call him a hero.

When the fireworks started, Shikamaru kneeled in front of the girl he loved, and asked her to spend her life with him.

Sasuke turned around and got lost in the crowd. He felt a stabbing sensation in his chest. He ran.

Home. Home. Home.

He ran, trying to escape the heart wrenching loneliness that was always creeping in on him. Always just one step behind him, waiting for him to slip up. He ran towards Itachi. He couldn’t see him. He ran faster.

He opened the slightly ajar door not even noticing he hasn’t locked them. His breathing was irregular. The air wouldn’t reach his lungs. He fell on his knees in the doorway.

“Took you long enou-”

Someone dropped on their knees in front of him. He only saw a cluster of dancing black spots.

“Sasuke! Sasuke, calm down,” someone was begging. Was he underwater? “Please, please, count with me. One, two-”

One, two, three. Inhale.

Warm hands on his shoulders. Deep voice.

One, two, three. Exhale.

“That’s right. You’re doing great.”

He focused his vision on the floor. Knees.

Focusing on that voice and slowly regulating his breathing, he looked up finding a training attire and three rings.

A sound escaped his throat.

He focused on his brother’s eyes, the darkness mirroring his own. Except there was an incredible gentleness that never faded away.

“You’re here,” his voice belonged to a stranger, “You’re here?”

Itachi gently removed the sweat strained bangs from Sasuke’s face. His hand didn’t leave his cheek.

“You’re staying?” He was so afraid of that question. What the answer would have done to him.

“I promised, didn’t I?”

And then Sasuke breathed, even though it was the warmest air he ever felt. It burned his lungs. And he found at the crook of his brother’s neck.

Itachi hugged him back. Caressed his hair.

They haven’t moved for minutes. Hours maybe? The two brothers kneeling on the floor in their childhood house, wordlessly preparing to savor every second of the future they had together.

The nineteen-year-old Sasuke laughed. He laughed like a child. Itachi gripped him tighter.

“Aren’t we a bit too old for this?” Sasuke joked. He’d stay like that forever if Itachi had asked him to.

“I have way too many years to make up for.” He heard a thin voice muffled by his own hair.

After an incredible amount of time, his knees started to hurt. His whole body hurt. He had no energy left.

They separated, only by a few centimeters, kneeling in front of each other.

The brothers looked at each other. The last time they’ve seen each other was two years ago, and it lasted only a couple of minutes.

Itachi was staying forever.

Sasuke reached and pinched his brother’s forearm. Itachi leaned and pinched his cheek in return.

No words needed, they realized that was it. No more loneliness. No more self-made breakfasts, lunches, dinners. They were going to take care of each other from now on. This time, not from the shadows.

Sasuke grimaced at the slight pain on his cheek, making Itachi chuckle.

No more silence.

“How did your voice get even deeper.” A stupid thought, really. He couldn’t stop himself.

“How did that suit stay in one piece?”

Of course he noticed the fucking suit. Sasuke blushed involuntarily. He was going burn it.

When Sasuke stayed quiet, Itachi let go of his cheek. He smiled warmly. “I made dinner. There wasn’t much in the fridge, but I guess it’s decent.”

“It’s most likely gotten cold, but it should be edible,” he chuckled again.

Sasuke realized there weren’t any sweets in the house. He cursed under his breath. Fuck, no time to go get changed.

“I’ll be back in five minutes, don’t go anywhere!”

He ran out of the house.

“Couldn’t if I wanted to,” a soft sigh seemingly echoed behind him.

Sasuke ran through the Uchiha district, and way past it, finding the significantly smaller crowd still lingering.

His friends were still there, getting drunk and being loud.

“The- the closest stand that sells dumplings.” He managed somehow. He could barely breathe. This time he didn’t mind it one bit.

“Where the fuck were you?” Naruto yelled. Sasuke didn’t care.

“Temari, Shikamaru. Congratulations!” Sasuke smiled his widest grin. He didn’t care.

“T-thanks man.” Shikamaru was apparently stupefied. Let him be.

“The closest stand.” He wasn’t a patient man. “Please.”

Sakura wordlessly pointed her finger at a stand that was slowly closing. He’d make it.

“Thank you!” He flashed his grin again, and ran.

Little did he know that his friends were left in a deafening silence, all wondering if someone had used a jutsu to impersonate him.

He ran home in a record time. The dumplings were intact.

Running all the way there, a part of him was convinced it was all a dream. But his brother was alive and breathing in front of the kitchen counter, heating up the food.

“For desert.” He pointed at the box, and then turned around to finally get rid of the suit.

It had actually ripped at the right bicep. It was time for a new one. All those weddings. Maybe Itachi would go with him. He’d introduce him to all of his friends. They’d be in awe, Sasuke was sure of it.

They didn’t eat in silence. How could they. Sasuke could finally ask him all about the mission that took over their lives. Itachi replied to every single question.

He knew the Akatsuki well. They were the reason millions of people have died in the war. Konoha followed their every move, thanks to Itachi. Itachi was the one who killed the mastermind in the shadows, the one who undid the Edo Tensei. Itachi saved so many lives.

“Thank you for winning the war,” Itachi smiled without reserve. He’d honestly meant that.

“I did nothing but follow your lead,” He stuffed more food in his mouth. It was the best thing he ever had.

“Thank you for the dumplings.”

Sasuke choked. Itachi handed him a glass of water.

“Would you like some?” He opened the box.

Sasuke didn’t like sweets.

And still, he would have taken anything his brother offered him.

They stayed up late chatting about the years that have passed. Sasuke talked about Naruto and his friends. He talked about his newly developed powers. He talked about Kakashi and Obito. He even talked about Orochimaru.

“He’s actually a free man now!” Sasuke laughed. “Can you believe that?”

Itachi laughed with him, filling the house with life.

“How are Shisui and Izumi?”

“Izumi?” Sasuke couldn’t put a face to the name.

“Uchiha Izumi. She was one of my few rare friends,” he laughed, apparently embarrassed.

He vaguely remembered a girl Itachi’s age visiting with her parents when he was young. Was she that important to Itachi?

Sasuke coughed, “I’m sorry, I don’t know.”

Itachi leaned over the table to flick his forehead. Sasuke looked up in awe. His cheeks were getting warm. The Izumi person completely left his mind.

“How about Shisui?”

“Weren’t you in contact with him?”

Itachi swallowed the last dumpling before answering, “Hm, no. You and the Fourth were the only people I’ve been in contact with.”

So Shisui truly didn’t know when Itachi was coming back. Sasuke felt a strange rush of satisfaction. He shouldn’t have been surprised that his only brother would stay in touch even in those conditions.

“Shisui is great. Everyone loves him, no surprise there. I think he’s still single. I’d consider that baffling given how outgoing he is.”

His brother laughed, confirming the statement.

“How about you?” Itachi asked after a pause. “You’ve been telling me about your friends, but it doesn’t look like you’ve found someone. Not like Naruto has.”

Sasuke feel the tips of his fingers sting. How does one tell his brother that he was so emotionally constipated that he hasn’t even had a girlfriend once in his life?

“I’m just,” He started. Just what? Unable of feeling attraction? Love?

Itachi put his chin on his hand, waiting patiently for his little brother to find the words.

“Not interested?” Sasuke finished, quite eloquently.

“Was that a question?” Itachi smiled.

The younger boy ran his hand through his hair, apparently in quite an agony. Then he fiddled with his fingers. Why was it so hard to talk to Itachi all of the sudden?

“I just.. don’t feel it.”

Itachi reached across the table and took his hands, stopping his impending nervous breakdown. “That’s alright, too.”

“Really?” Was it really okay having an incapable wreck of a younger brother?

“Hey, you’re talking to the guy who left on an undercover mission at fourteen. Do you really think I had time for something like that?” He laughed, letting go of Sasuke’s hands. The warmth still lingered.

“Even before that,” He sighed. “I didn’t need it, I think.”

“After all, my annoying little brother took all of my free time!”

Sasuke crossed his arms, pouting. Was he actually pouting?

“I’m not annoying,” he mumbled under his breath.

Itachi stood up and started cleaning the table with a small smile still lingering. Sasuke watched him wordlessly. The hero from the shadows. His flesh and blood. An angel?

He walked past Sasuke, ruffling his hair. Sasuke leaned into the touch, like a sunflower, bending hopelessly to bathe in the sun rays.

“It’s late, I have to get up early tomorrow and go report everything to the Fourth,” Sasuke could hear how tired he was. “They don’t even know I’m back.”

That was right. He was back. The house was already warmer. He wouldn’t wake up alone.

“I changed the sheets and dusted your room a week ago. You’re all set,” Sasuke stood up, ready to crash and wake up tomorrow and do it all over again. The brought a smile to his face.

He took a few steps to his room when he felt fingers wrap around around his wrist.

“I’m back,” A soft, deep voice echoed behind him.

Sasuke trapped his brother’s hand in his own.

“Welcome home.”

Sasuke woke up with a familiar silence surrounding him. He wasn’t alone though. As soon as he opened his eyes he knew it. Itachi had to go deal administrative stuff, but he’d be back.

He would actually stay this time.

It all felt too surreal to Sasuke. He wouldn’t have to spend his free time looking for missions anymore. He’d spend it being lazy in his own home, reading books with his brother, playing shogi or training. It filled him with an enormours amunt of an unknown electricity.

He went over to the Hokage’s office, waiting in a row, feeling unusually giddy. How long has it been since he was truly happy?

After about half an hour, the Fourth Hokage called him in.

“Sorry for the wait,” Minato chuckled awkwardly, reminding him of his best friend.

“You’ve been busy.” Sasuke offered a gentle smile.

Minato has been a part of his family. When Sasuke had no one, the Uzumakis were there. He spent weekends, received countless of dinners, trainings and general warmth from them.

“What’s the occasion, Sasuke? You barely ever visit anymore.” Minato leaned over the table, chin in his hand.

“I’d like to use all of the free days I’ve collected.”

Minato raised his eyebrows “Itachi?”

“You knew?”

“He was here a couple of hours ago. Turns out he wanted to be relieved of his duties for the time being, too.” Minato’s soothing voice echoed in the vast room.

“He’s done his job,” Sasuke casually replied.

“I’m happy for you, Sasuke. Now that your family is home, don’t forget to stop by once in a while.”

His gaze fell to the floor, suppressing a blush. The newfound happiness was something he’d have to learn how to get used to.

“So, we’re done here, or?” He just wanted to go back home.

“We are,” Minato chuckled. “You earned this, you know? Savior of the world and all that.”

Sasuke huffed, waving his arm dismissively and walked out of the office. He was relieved.

The walk home was peaceful. He wouldn’t have even minded distractions along the way, simply because there was not one annoyed bone in his body.

He wanted to make lunch. The thought startled him.

He didn’t ponder on it too much, and bought enough groceries to last them a week. He even asked the aunties selling the vegetables for recipes. The famous Uchiha Sasuke, desperate to make the perfect meal.

Gathering enough information, he walked through the Uchiha district with his hands full. The door of his house opened as he was about to kick it open. A pair of arms took most of the groceries from him.

“Busy, aren’t we?” His brother chuckled.

Sasuke followed him to the kitchen. They unpacked the groceries to the fridge in a comfortable silence.

“Are you making lunch?” Itachi asked as he leaned over the counter. Sasuke’s gaze followed the movement unconsciously.

The younger nodded. He felt stupid all of the sudden. “I’m not mom or anything, but some aunties shared their secret recipes with me.”

“I know you’re better than me at this stuff but I’ll just need a bit of practice and-“

Itachi removed the strand of hair that was blocking Sasuke’s right eye. He was too busy rambling; he hadn’t even noticed when the other man closed in on him.

“Foolish little brother, I’d eat anything that came from your hands.”

Sasuke felt hot all over his body.

“Good, because if I fuck up, we’re both gonna end up in the hospital.”

Itachi’s smile never left his face, and he sat down at the kitchen table, silently watching his brother prepare food.

 _No pressure_ , Sasuke thought.

“Do you have any books?” He heard Itachi ask after a few minutes.

“We do have a whole library, in case you forgot,” He smiled, still trying to slice the beef as evenly as possible.

“I want to know what you read.”

Sasuke winced when the blade came in contact with his middle finger. He turned around, licking it carefully.

“You should find some in my room.”

Itachi raised his eyebrows at the sight of his brother.

“It’s nothing,” He said without waiting for the question.

Itachi stood up, turning around to leave for his room, “Be careful.”

Sasuke hummed and continued the work.

Itachi spent the remaining time out of the kitchen. It felt a bit colder. Did Sasuke do something to upset him? As soon as the thought came to his mind, it vanished. Itachi was never in his life actually mad at Sasuke. Sasuke was a brattish child, but by some miracle, his brother never even raised his voice at him.

“Dinner’s ready!”

He probably just needed some time alone. This was his first day back, of course he’d need to familiarize himself with everything.

“Your bed was comfortable,” Itachi came back to the kitchen, hair disheveled, feet bare, and all Sasuke wanted to do was inhale him. He suddenly thought that an angel was standing in front of him, and he was yet again unworthy of his grace. If anyone were to look inside his brain, they’d be thoroughly terrified.

“I fell asleep.” Itachi chuckled, apparently embarrassed.

An angel slept in his bed.

Itachi got comfortable next to the kotatsu, while his brother carefully set all of the dishes he made, getting embarrassed as he removed the apron that he unconsciously put earlier.

“Sukiyaki, tempura, and of course daifuku.” Sasuke pointed at the table, actually proud of himself. 

Itachi eyes followed the dishes, naturally landing on the sweets. Sasuke bet he’d only consume sweets if actual food wasn’t required for living.

“This is the first time you’ve made me food,” Itachi’s gaze landed on his own.

Sasuke tried to formulate words, but the gaze was making him feel too vulnerable, naked.

He turned around instead, facing the counter. “Well, it wasn’t a necessary skill for a seven-year-old. Eat.”

There was a soft laugh behind him.

The next day was the same. Sasuke hoped the time would freeze. But the thing was that it wasn’t necessary. Itachi wasn’t going anywhere. Maybe he should familiarize himself with the current situation, too.

“Makeout paradise?” The aghast expression on his brother’s face made Sasuke double up with laughter.

They were sitting on the sofa in the living room where Sasuke was polishing his weapons, and Itachi was slowly going through his personal book collection.

“It’s Kakashi’s.” He replied after a minute. His cheeks hurt.

“Makes sense.” Itachi put it aside, opting for the next one. He read in silence. It was perfect.

His crossed legs were pressed against Sasuke’s.

Sasuke glanced at his face, finding the pitch black irises quickly skimming across words. One of his bangs fell on his cheek. Sasuke wanted to reach out and put it behind his brother’s ear.

It would probably be weird. They were both adults. Adults don’t touch each other without a reason.

Sasuke never wanted to touch people before.

Itachi sensed his brother’s eyes on him and turned to face him. He hummed in question, completely relaxed. Sasuke’s eyes softened.

“Are you keeping your hair long?” It was the first thought that came out of his mouth.

Itachi reached to tuck the strand of hair behind his ear.

“You don’t like it?”

Sasuke shook his head far too quickly. He mentally cursed himself.

“That’s not it,” He wanted to touch it. Itachi had touched his hair fair share of times since he got back. Why was Sasuke so hesitant when he was the one giving affection?

The hand resting on the sword twitched.

He gathered up the courage just to slightly move it towards his brother when the knock came.

A shaky exhale. Coward.

He basically ran to the door, where a girl wearing the Uchiha crest stood.

“Can I help you?”

“Sasuke-kun! Oh, hi.” She seemed nervous. He wasn’t in the mood.

He raised his eyebrows, signaling her to continue. The confessions didn’t bother him anymore, but in this case, he just wanted to get back inside.

“I heard Itachi was back?” What?

“I’m his-”

The voice came from the hallway, “Izumi!”

Itachi wore a soft smile, standing next to Sasuke.

“This is my old friend, Izumi,” He glanced at Sasuke. The younger boy wasn’t smiling. “Izumi, you remember Sasuke.”

She chuckled, “Nice to see you again.”

He never moved out. She probably just didn’t care visiting if Itachi wasn’t there. So much for an old friend. He didn’t particularly care about her neither.

“You should’ve told me you came back!” Sasuke could see the blush forming on her face. “I had to hear it from mom.”

Izumi pouted. Sasuke frowned.

“I just got back a couple of days ago. I was planning on visiting.”

Why?

Sasuke wasn’t stupid. His brother was bound to have friends. He was like a breeze on a summer day. You’d burn without him. Or maybe that was just Sasuke.

“Great!” She was genuinely happy. Sasuke couldn’t hate her. He had no reason to. “I’ll go with mom to buy groceries this weekend, so I’m expecting you then!”

She seemed to remember Sasuke was there too. She didn’t seem like a bad person. And he wasn’t possessive. He just needed more time. More time to be happy.

“And of course our savior!” She chuckled, seemingly wanting to pat his head. He glared. She immediately decided against it. “You’re more than welcome to come, too.”

“Thanks.”

She fiddled with her shirt, probably trying to strike up another conversation. And maybe his brother wanted that too. Maybe Sasuke was the annoying little brother ruining the moment.

He didn’t want to ponder about the stuff they’d talk about when he was out of the earshot, so he quietly excused himself.

“Naruto and Hinata asked me to help with the wedding, it totally slipped my mind. Sorry, I’ll be back this evening.”

He wasn’t lying about the wedding preparations. The thing was, he declined it because of his brother. And now he was running away from the same one.

“Oh,” Itachi’s gaze fell to the living room.

_Are you going to invite her in, brother?_

“I’ll be waiting, then.” He returned his gaze to Sasuke.

He waved at the two figures on the porch, his legs taking him as far away as possible.

That was not a normal reaction. He wasn’t a little kid. Still, he wanted to return home and press his legs against Itachi’s. He wanted to possess the courage to press his brother’s head against his heart. To hug him, breathe him. And he wasn’t an affectionate person.

His legs led him faster, until he was standing in front of Naruto’s house.

“I’m telling you, Hinata likes orchids more!” Sakura was suddenly in his best friend’s face.

There were too many people and not enough space. Kushina was yelling from the kitchen, Sakura was yelling right in their faces, Hinata was sitting quietly with hands on her knees, and Sasuke was trying very hard not to snap.

“How about actually asking her?” Shikamaru looked almost as annoyed as Sasuke felt.

“Shit, Hinata,” Naruto crawled on all fours to where his fiancé was sitting. He presented her two pictures. She picked the one on the left. Sakura yelled in victory.

“I told you!”

“Hinata, honey, you mustn’t let him take charge,” Kushina’s voice echoed through the house.

Hinata smiled and shifted around, clearly uncomfortable. Sasuke was strangely fond of the girl. Not anyone could put up with Naruto on daily basis.

“Sasuke, can you go with Hinata to place an order on the flowers?” Naruto was suddenly right in front of him.

“Why me?” He didn’t want to go home yet, though.

“Because you literally did nothing since you showed up! And you look all mopey, like a wet puppy.”

Sasuke frowned. He wasn’t wrong.

“I can go alone, it’s not that far,” Hinata quickly added.

Sasuke stood up, dusting his pants. “The best man has to do _something_.”

He still hasn’t told Naruto that his brother was home. All of Sasuke’s free time was spent on Itachi. And he wasn’t in the mood to talk about it in front of everyone.

Hinata followed him silently. Sasuke slowed his steps to match the girl’s.

“Is something on your mind, Sasuke-kun?”

No, just suddenly wanting to lock his own brother inside their house and keep him out of reach of everyone. You know, everyday thoughts?

“Nothing much.”

She didn’t press further.

Hinata placed the order in the flower shop, while Sasuke was waiting for her outside. He didn’t help her with anything, did he?

The street was busy with children chasing each other, parents yelling, couples being cheesy as usual. Naruto and Hinata were never those kind of people, though. They kept it private, which was unusual for the loudmouthed idiot. But he guessed it wasn’t like that when everyone was away. Do they sit around in a comfortable silence, doing their own chores? Do they have sex? Do they talk about the future?

Sasuke didn’t really know anything about relationships. The closest he got was experimenting with girls, trying to figure out his sexuality. What makes a person want to spend their lives with someone else?

Sasuke and Hinata were silently going back home.

“Um-”

“Yes, Sasuke-kun?”

Why was he doing this?

“Do you and Naruto think it’s weird?” Sasuke started. “I mean, that I don’t like Sakura back. Or anyone else at that?”

She let out a huff of laugh. He felt exposed somehow. They weren’t even that close.

“Naruto loves you like a brother.”

Sasuke was pretty sure that wasn’t the case. No one could love him the way he loves Itachi.

“He and I never thought there was anything wrong with you,” Hinata continued. “You know, Naruto once said that when the right person comes into your life, you’ll be even worse than him or Sakura. He also said that you’d probably try to hide them for a while. That you’d want to be the only receiver of their attention.”

“That possessive bastard.” Hinata imitated Naruto with a laugh.

Sasuke frowned. “I’m not possessive.”

Hinata raised her arms in surrender. “Not my words. Anyway, Sasuke-kun, even if you don’t find them, we’re still all here for you.”

He slipped in his room through the window. He didn’t want to run into Itachi and say something he’d regret.

Not wanting to make noise with the shower, he quickly changed and skid into the bed.

His mind kept replaying the scene from a few hours back. Why would he try to hide a person he loved?

Izumi’s face appeared, clouding his vision. She was reaching for Itachi’s hand in his mind. He wanted to take it instead. Sasuke was now the same height as his brother. He could stand in front of him, block him from the wandering eyes. He would shield him.

From what?

There was a cry down the hallway. Sasuke jumped.

He ran through the house, stopping in front of Itachi’s room. He knocked. Once. Twice.

No response. Another cry.

He pushed the doors open, finding his brother asleep. He was covered in sweat.

“I won’t kill them!” The yell startled Sasuke. What was happening?

“Itachi,” He whispered.

“I’m not like you. I’m not, I’m not I’m not-”

All of his previous thoughts about avoiding his brother dispersed, leaving him kneeling next to his brother, removing the sweat stained bangs from his face.

“Itachi, wake up.” He whispered. “It’s a bad dream, wake up.”

Itachi’s breathing was irregular, like he was struggling. How much did he actually suffer during all those years?

“Big brother,” He was louder now. He wouldn’t let him be in pain anymore.

Itachi’s hands gripped Sasuke’s collar. Sasuke was motionless.

“I’m doing this for him.” Itachi whispered. Sasuke was in so much pain.

Hands enveloping his brother’s, Sasuke gripped him tighter. “It’s alright now.”

The room was dark. So silent. A raven landed on the window.

“Sasuke?”

His brother always kept the worst sufferings to himself. His goal was always protecting the innocent child. Except the child turned into a man, and the pain had finally reached him too.

“Why are you crying? What’s wrong? Did I-” Itachi’s gaze flickered to the hands on his brother’s collar. “D-did I hurt you? I’m sorry Sasuke, I’m sorry.”

He retreated to the other side of bed like a wounded animal, clutching his head. Oh god, he was trembling.

Sasuke was in a daze. The room was still silent. The only thing that could be heard was his older brother’s pained gasps.

In that moment, Sasuke’s mind contained nothing but the need to comfort the fragile being in front of him. He climbed on the bed, kneeling in front of Itachi. The elder wasn’t looking at him.

Sasuke took Itachi’s hands and put them on his own chest. “You didn’t do anything to me.”

Itachi finally looked at him. His breathing was still irregular. Sasuke hoped his heartbeat would guide him.

They sat there, listening to the pained heartbeats. Sasuke needed to be the one in control. Just this one time. He was _needed_.

“You said you’d come back in the evening,” Itachi was slowly dozing off. “I made dinner.”

_I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry._

“It won’t happen again.”

His brother smiled. Sasuke guided him in a sleeping position. He let out a breath.

The moonlight fell on the sleeping martyr, his long hair covering the pillow, the pained lines of his face turning soft. There was truly no prettier sight.

Maybe Itachi needed his brother as much as Sasuke needed him.

“How was the wedding planning?” Itachi mumbled, his mouth full.

Sasuke made the effort to wake up early and make breakfast to atone for the previous day. Itachi didn’t seem like he remembered any of it. Sasuke was glad. The pain haunting his brother was something Sasuke couldn’t possibly help with. He was as useless as ever.

“Loud.”

“It’s in a month, isn’t it? Do you have a suit?”

Sasuke’s mind flashed to the ripped sleeve. He groaned.

“Do you want us to go buy a-”

“Yes!” He replied too fast. Way too loud.

However, Itachi just chuckled. Sasuke counted it as a win.

“We’re going together right?” They haven’t discussed the topic before, but it was so natural for Sasuke.

“If you want to, yes.” Itachi tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. Sasuke followed his hand.

“Then we need to buy you one, too.” Sasuke grinned.

It was oh so very easy to make him happy nowadays.

“So…” Sasuke was absentmindedly reading the papers on Naruto’s couch. “Itachi’s back.”

He tried not to make it a big deal. He was still trying to figure out if he wanted to show his brother off, or to hide him.

“Excuse me?” His best friend suddenly choked on the muffin in his mouth.

“Yea, about a week ago. I just didn’t find the right time to tell you, considering how busy we all are with this wedding stuff.” Sasuke replied, uncomfortably scratching his neck.

“You mean Itachi Itachi? The hero Itachi? Apparently the one person who’d beat all of my favorite ninjas?” Naruto’s eyes seem to sparkle. Sasuke didn’t blame him.

“Yea. I figured you’d want to meet him, so-”

“No shit! Of course I want to meet him,” Naruto practically jumped on the sofa. “The only guy who ever made _the_ Uchiha Sasuke show any kind of emotion. There’s literally no one in the world I’d want to meet more.”

Sasuke let out a laugh at his friend’s exaggeration. Sasuke wasn’t a heartless robot, was he?

“Oh my god, Sasuke-kun, your brother is back?” Sakura was standing at the entrance of the living room.

Fuck.

He nodded languidly.

“When are we meeting him?” She was doing the thing with her voice again. So loud.

“That’s what Sasuke was about to tell me!” Naruto interjected.

Even though he wanted to introduce Itachi to his best friend first, this would be like killing two birds with one stone. Killing two very loud birds.

“How about tomorrow night? I’m free!” Sakura was practically bouncing. Naruto nodded.

“Can’t. Having dinner with some friends.”

The thing was, he really didn’t want to go. Watching Izumi blush over Itachi made him unreasonably angry, at least he understood that part. But when has he ever said no to his big brother?

So instead, he said “Why?”

 _Why do you want me to go?_ The invitation was clearly only meant for him alone. He should’ve been happy going to see his old friend. An old friend who was so clearly in love with him.

But just then, he remembered their earlier conversation. _“I didn’t need it, I think.”_

Maybe they were the same, after all.

Naruto’s screech broke him out of the daze. “What friends? I thought we were your only friends!”

Sakura pinched his arm. Naruto screeched again.

“Itachi’s friends, to be precise.”

“Then after that? We have to meet him before the wedding.” Sakura was persistent. Sasuke didn’t like it.

“He’s coming to the wedding, too.” He tried to keep his voice neutral. There was nothing weird about that statement. Sasuke could bring whoever he wanted to.

“You’re bringing Itachi? But your plus one was supposed to be - Ouch!”

Sakura hit him again. Their subtleness was nothing to be impressed about.

“We’re glad he’s coming, Sasuke-kun.” He could detect a false smile a mile away.

“I’m never forgiving you for this.” Sasuke was mumbling.

They were getting ready to leave for Izumi’s. Sasuke grabbed a white button down and some black trousers he forgot he owned. Itachi sneakily stole one of his shirts, since they haven’t gone shopping yet. He’d never thought a simple black shirt would be pretty until he saw it wrapped snugly around his brother. Itachi tied his hair in a usual manner, but something was different.

He smelled like Sasuke.

Itachi leaned over to fix his collar. His fingers brushed the side of his neck, making him shiver instantly.

“It’s just a dinner, Sasuke.” Itachi’s warm breath ghosted over him.

Maybe he’d be able to forgive him after all.

Izumi and her mother lived in a modest house. They greeted him and his brother warmly. Izumi’s mother, Hazuki, led them to the living room where they were supposed to wait while she finished the dinner. Sasuke and Itachi sat on the sofa, moving in tandem.

“You’ve never been here, have you?” Izumi chatted happily. “Look, I have a picture from that time-”

She grabbed his arm, pulling him to the picture filled counter. Itachi was as polite as ever, letting her push and pull and talk incessantly. From the corner of his eye, Sasuke could see his brother’s little smile.

The warmth still lingered where Itachi had touched him. It burned now.

After a few minutes of reminiscing, he felt Itachi sit next to him on the sofa, leaving no space between the bodies.

“What’s going on in your life, Sasuke?” She dropped the –kun.

“Nothing much.” Being rude would just hurt Itachi, so he settled on the indifference.

“Oh, that can’t be true,” She chuckled. “You’re a handsome man, there must be some ladies chasing after you, no? Boys your age usually have girlfriends by now.”

She kept pushing. Sasuke shouldn’t have been that bothered, it was a normal theme for a chitchat.

“Of course, Izumi-san. Do you want me to tell you what happens with the girls that chase after the unattainable?” He practically hissed.

She got the gist of it, face reddening. Itachi was quiet.

“Dinner’s ready!” the voice rang. “Izumi, come help me set the table.”

The tense atmosphere dissipated a bit. Izumi stood up with a careful smile, leaving them alone.

A hand enveloped his own. Sasuke’s eyes found his brother’s in an instant.

“Itachi, I’m sorry.” He fucked up.

His brother wanted one normal night with his friend, and Sasuke was already making it weird.

Itachi’s free hand poked his forehead. “I was going to say, bear it for a little longer. We’ll eat and then go, okay?”

Sasuke was dumfounded. Why wasn’t Itachi mad at him? He was a brat, that much was apparent.

Itachi squeezed the hand he still held. Sasuke weakly nodded.

 _I love you_ , he wanted to say. But Itachi knew that already. He’d loved him since the first time he gained consciousness. He’d love him forever.

Izumi’s mother broke the awkward atmosphere at the dining table. She kept asking the brothers all kinds of questions, leaving no time for Sasuke to be annoyed at her daughter.

“I’m very grateful for you, Sasuke.” Hazuki smiled at him. “After all, we’d all be in that hideous dream world if it weren’t for you.”

Itachi’s hand creeped around his shoulders. “He’s the village hero. No, he actually saved the world, didn’t he?”

Sasuke felt like a kid. Being on the receiving end of Itachi’s praises was like basking in the warm morning sun.

Of course, the blush returned. “You did too.”

Hazuki laughed. “Well look at me, having dinner with the world saviors!”

Sasuke could vaguely remember cheerful dinners with his family. Their mom would always bring the laughter into the stiff conversation his father started. Sasuke would copy his brother and laugh even if he didn’t know what was going on. Their father would later excuse himself and call Itachi over to the study room, leaving the bright mother to explain to Sasuke how his father wasn’t mad.

_“That’s just how he is, Sasuke.” She would show him a tender smile. “He loves both of you dearly.”_

“I’m glad you boys could make it. Izumi here is-”

“Itachi!” Sasuke saw the girl abruptly stand up, knocking a glass off the table. “Could- could you come with me outside for a minute?”

Itachi seemed to sigh next to him. He removed his hand from Sasuke’s shoulders and silently followed the girl.

Sasuke came to his senses when he heard the front door close. Hazuki was quiet opposite him. That was it, wasn’t it? Izumi was going to confess. Two weeks with his brother, that was all he got. Sasuke felt his legs go numb.

Two weeks was all he got?

He felt the tears desperately wanting to come out. “I’ve got to use the toilet.”

This couldn’t be happening. He was supposed to have forever. He waited all his life.

The tears were overflowing now. He hiccupped once. Twice. Turning on the faucet to drown the noise, he tried to breathe. An nineteen-year-old man crying because he was losing his brother to a girl. Pathetic. That’s what he was. He was a neurotic boy who only ever wanted one thing. He was sick.

“Please, not this,” He hiccupped desperately. “Don’t let this be happening to me.”

He thought of Itachi’s smile while he was doing the dishes. He thought about the long hair sprawled around the pillow. He thought about the calf pressed against his, the warm hand brushing the strands of hair from his face. He thought about the scorching breath on his neck.

There was no going back. He was drowning.

It wasn’t like he was perfect. Sasuke was human, and yet somehow he was doomed to this sick fate. Was it all the feelings accumulated over half of his lifetime? He loved another being so devastatingly deep, so why did it have make him this sad? The man despised himself.

There was a short knock on the bathroom floor. “Sasuke, honey, your brother said you’re going home.”

Sasuke panicked. He quickly washed his face, killing the sounds coming from his throat. His eyes were red. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

There was no going back.

He put the infamous neutral expression and exited the bathroom. Itachi was waiting in the foyer, holding out Sasuke’s coat. His eyes softened a fraction.

“Thank you for the hospitality. The food was delicious.” Sasuke looked around. Izumi was nowhere in sight.

Hazuki smiled. She was sad. Why was she sad?

“Itachi, I’m sorry if I’m overstepping my bounds here, but,” She hesitated. Sasuke kept his eyes locked on the floor. “Is there maybe someone else? When you were kids, you were one of her closest friends. She talks about you constantly.”

Itachi seemed to step away from her. “She was one of my closest friends, too. But, Hazuki-san, there has always been something that has been expected from me. I think I’ve sacrificed enough, don’t you? This might sound presumptuous, but I think I deserve happiness, too.”

At that, he bowed and left the house. Sasuke followed him.

The silent night was deafening. However, Sasuke was glad they were not talking. He wasn’t sure what would come out of his mouth it that moment. He looked at the man next to him. There was a small smile lingering on his lips. He had his hands in his pockets, walking leisurely.

Hazuki was sad. Sasuke’s brain seemed to start working. She was sad, and her daughter was nowhere in sight. It couldn’t be.

His lips formed a small smile without his consent.

_I think I’ve sacrificed enough, don’t you?_

Sasuke’s eyes burned from the previous pain, trying to synchronize with the lips that were basking in the current happiness.

_I think I deserve happiness, too._

Sasuke didn’t want to think of it as a realization. He didn’t want to think about it at all. He knew how emotionally handicapped he was.

Afraid to come out of his room the next morning, he jumped out of the window, going straight to the dock where he spent most of his childhood.

It wasn’t a realization if he didn’t actually understand it. Sasuke always thought of himself to be a normal child. When his parents died, he stopped smiling as wide. That was the time he got his Sharingan, the first time his brother visited him. Itachi’s words have expressed sympathy and love, but is eyes have shown pain they both shared. They only had each other from that day on. No, that wasn’t right. They had the shared moments stretched during the span of 6 years, and the need for his brother was like descending down the stairs of normalcy and slowly reaching the flickers of aridity. He wasn’t a regular child anymore. He hadn’t been trying to replace his parents. That was impossible, since his brother has always been on the highest pedestal in the family.

The blood they shared would always be there, and yet Sasuke felt there might’ve been something even stronger pulling him to Itachi. He wondered how was that even possible, when his brother was the strongest bond he’d ever have in his entire life.

The bond was turning out to be more tenacious and powerful that Sasuke could’ve ever imagined. He was afraid. He was so afraid.

“Am I that bad of a cook?” He heard a soothingly deep voice behind him. He must’ve been sitting there for hours.

Itachi sat next to him on the dock, leaning on his forearms, watching the sky. Sasuke quickly diverted his gaze. His throat was on fire.

“Here, I bought you nikuman,” He put a bag of dumplings in Sasuke’s lap.

“That’s not it!” He tensed. Sasuke was already at a disadvantage. He couldn’t start making his brother sad just because he was miserable.

“Everything you make is the best!” He gripped his brother hand. “I just went on a run, and lost the track of time.”

Itachi must have noticed that he wasn’t tired nor sweaty. He didn’t say anything about it, letting Sasuke lie.

“Thank you for the food,” Sasuke mumbled after a few moments, realizing he was pretty hungry.

Itachi’s lips curved, releasing Sasuke’s hold of his hand. He was silent.

“You must think I’m pretty pitiful for yesterday.”

Sasuke watched the river. Itachi continued. “I knew how she felt about me, but I never said anything, apparently leading her on.”

Sasuke didn’t want to think about Izumi. He didn’t want to think about the chase after the unattainable.

“I’m a 24-year-old man, rejecting any prospect of love. Quite pathetic, right?” The soft chuckle was silenced by the wind.

Sasuke wanted to look him in the eyes. He wanted to show his brother how happy he was that Itachi was still by his side. He ached to yell at him, to scream “It doesn’t matter as long as we’re together!”

Instead, he chewed on his food. “The social constructs this world has developed aren’t meant for everyone.”

Itachi let a huff of exasperation. It made Sasuke angry. _Agree with me! Say it doesn’t matter as long as I love you._

_And I do, Itachi. I love you so much._

“Does that mean both of us will grow old bachelors?”

That sounded perfect. It shouldn’t have. Sasuke should want for his brother to find happiness outside of their house. But his own happiness was buried there. He was a petty man.

“More time for you to learn how to cook!” Sasuke grinned. He wasn’t going to show Itachi how happy that proposition made him, but alas, he wasn’t that mature.

Itachi pinched his waist. Sasuke giggled. The wind didn’t drown out anything.

“I thought you said my cooking was the best!”

The village didn’t sustain any considerable damage during the war, and the parts that were still under construction were repaired during the past two months.

The problem was, Sasuke didn’t know any shops that sold fancy suits. They were slowly catching up to the era or modernity, so there must’ve been quite a bit around. Yet, Sasuke barely knew anything about his own village. He’d been training with Jiraiya and Naruto (and occasionally Orochimaru) for years outside the village, and when he did come back, he was usually in his own district or on missions.

So, he laid in his bed mentally cursing himself for not planning ahead. A month had passed since his brother came back, which meant Naruto’s wedding was just around the corner.

He wasn’t as against the idea as he’d been a month ago. He got to know Hinata, and even if he was just scratching the surface, the girl’s mind was absolutely set in stone. Although Naruto barely ever mentioned her before the war, Sasuke guessed something fell in place in that small brain of his, and he suddenly saw her?

Sasuke wanted to laugh at his own hypocrisy.

Well, in his own case, it ran a bit deeper than a sudden revelation. It was building inside of the deepest parts of his soul for the longer time.

He sat up straight, throwing the covers off. Only one option.

The blonde opened the door after the seventh knock. He was wearing the striped pajama shorts with fucking unicorns farting rainbows. That moron was getting married. Sasuke took a breath.

“Help me find a store that sells men suits.”

Naruto blinked at him owlishly. And then the yelling started.

“You mean you still haven’t gotten a suit? For a wedding where you’re the best man?!” Naruto hauled him inside the house.

Sasuke tried to talk them out of having the western style wedding. It was too much of a hassle. For everyone.

“I’m here now, aren’t I?” He should’ve just searched the whole damn village by himself.

Naruto mumbled to himself, and stalked through the house, apparently searching for something. Minato and Kushina were probably already at work, leaving this lazy moron alone.

“Don’t you have missions?” Sasuke crossed his arms.

“I took a week off. What about you?” The blonde was eyeing him wearily. Sasuke was always the busiest one of the three.

No point in lying. “I took a month off.”

Naruto tripped on his own feet, landing on his face, of course. “A month?! The last time you took a break was a year ago and it was 3 days!”

Sasuke smirked. Of course he was noticing the littlest things. “Why does it seem you’re counting?”

Puffing through his nose, Naruto turned his head to look at the man above him. “Of course im counting. I can’t let you outdo me!”

“And yet you’re the one winning, idiot. I bet you let Hinata do all the work, considering you only took a week off.”

The living disaster sighed and spread his limbs on the floor, resembling a starfish. How tired was he? “We talked about that. She’s doing fine, and has lots of help. She has a whole clan, y’know?”

Sasuke nodded. Guess he shouldn’t interfere.

“Speaking of clans,” He thought he was smart, changing topics like that. “Is your brother the reason you’ve been lazing around for a month?”

Sasuke shot him a look. Naruto straightened up, raising his arms in defense. “Not saying it’s a bad thing! Bet you’re itching to get out of the village and into the forest again, though? I feel like that when I’m cooped in here for a while.”

“Not really, no.” He didn’t want to give out explanations. He didn’t want to say that the only reason he was busy outside of Konoha was right under his nose now. He was able to touch him, smell him and make him laugh. Why would he ever want to leave him?

“Here it is!” Naruto wiggled a piece of paper in front of him. “The tailor that made my suit. She works fast, so it would be done in a few days.”

Sasuke reached out to take it, only for his friend to hide it behind his back. He should be used to it.

“What do you want?” Sasuke rubbed his forehead, ready for the impending disaster.

“Tonight, after you buy the suit, you and Itachi have to come for drinks with me and Sakura.” He grinned cheekily. Fuck.

“I won’t invite Hinata or the others, since I know how you can get. Just the four of us, okay?”

Sasuke knew his best friend wasn’t asking for a lot. He was even planning on introducing Itachi to them. But things were delicate, his feelings were delicate.

“One drink.” Naruto wiggled his eyebrows. The little fox.

Maybe it was better to get it over with. He’d figure out how to act in front of them. He’d shut down the jealousy that was eating him up.

“Fine.” He grabbed the paper, storming out of the house.

The streets weren’t as busy in morning. The Uchiha district got used to having Itachi back, but the rest of the village barely recognized him. He was like a shiny new toy, never leaving Sasuke’s place. He knew better than to worry about his brother’s safety, yet it wasn’t that easy. He worried how they’d accept him. If he’d feel at home.

They were strolling through the wide street, chatting about Naruto. Itachi looked happy at Naruto’s request. Sasuke should’ve figured it out sooner. No one liked being constantly cooped in the house. Itachi was apparently just cursed with having him as a brother.

“Does Sakura still like you?” Itachi’s gaze was locked on the path in front of them.

Sasuke bit his lip. “How did you know that in the first place?”

He wasn’t mad. His brother was attentive. Only caring for Sasuke’s happiness.

“Never mind,” he coughed. “Yes, at least from what I’ve gathered.”

They walked in a silence for a while, before he heard Itachi speak. “What are you going to do about it?”

Sasuke knew what he meant. _Was he purposely leading her on?_ Was what he tried to ask.

“She knows I don’t feel the same way.” He bumped his shoulder’s against Itachi’s, “Not like a certain someone leading a girl on for ten years.”

The soft wind drove his brother’s laugh in his ears. “Hey, it’s not like I had time to visit anyone during the mission. Being a missing nin and all.”

“You visited me.” Sasuke couldn’t help it. He never wanted not to be the center of his brother’s attention.

Itachi seemingly moved closer to him, keeping their bodies in contact. Sasuke shivered.

“Well, you _are_ high maintenance, little brother,” Itachi’s gaze moved from the ground to Sasuke’s awed face. “What would you do without me?”

Sasuke knew he was kidding, but wasn’t something he ever wanted to think about. That was somthing only his worst nightmares reveled in, shocking him awake, drenched in sweat and tears.

“I don’t know.” He whispered.

Itachi caught on, like he always did, and took the younger’s hand in his. The touch did wonders. Did Naruto feel the same way when his hand found Hinata’s? Did Sakura?

It seemed so easy for Itachi to touch him anywhere. Everywhere. Why couldn’t Sasuke do it? Were the intentions wrong? He bore the same feelings as his older brother. Why would the need for something more, just a bit more, wretch his heart so bad, that he’d become so afraid?

A loud yell from one of the children running through the streets snapped him out of the daze. They both removed their hands, continuing the leisurely walk in silence.

After they got their measurements, along with the date, they hurried to the meeting spot. Sasuke was constantly in awe that he’s able to do all those mundane things with his brother. Family home, slow walks, weddings, introductions. _Please never get sick of me._

Sasuke was scared. Never being self-conscious of himself nor his choices, this was a first. He’d never be embarrassed of his brother, rather it was himself he needed to worry about. His friends never saw him this happy. His reason for happiness was always so far away.

The blonde took an instant liking in his brother, it seemed. The introduction was short and loud. Itachi looked happy. Satisfied.

Sakura was a toughed nut to crack. She suddenly became shy. Like the first years they shared together as Team Seven. She mumbled her name and shook Itachi’s hand. His brother’s eyes wrinkled when he smiled. He was polite, courteous.

When they stepped inside of the bar, Sasuke pulled on the corner of Itachi’s shirt, leaning to whisper in his ear.

“She’s not usually like this. Well, except when she’s around attractive men.” Sasuke chuckled in his ear, not realizing he might’ve overstepped some boundaries.

“Oh?” Itachi turned his head, giving him a once over. He seemed dissatisfied with the statement.

“You know how you look, don’t you?”

Sasuke let out a rush of breath. Itachi was complimenting him. He didn’t know if brothers did that. Tell each other they’re attractive.

Sasuke meant it when he said it. He realized the mistake as soon as he did, but it seemed that his brother’s boundaries overlapped with his own. Maybe Sasuke needn’t worry about the conventional relationships. He wasn’t thinking about the secret feelings he harbored. He was thinking about just following Itachi’s lead without worrying too much.

The four of them sat around the table, with Naruto immediately starting the wedding topic. Sasuke rolled his eyes. The blonde stuck out his tongue.

Itachi looked at Sasuke from the other side of the table. Naruto and Sakura probably came up with some agreement for him to end up next to the pink haired girl. Sasuke hated when they did that. He never appreciated Naruto’s futile attempts at setting them up.

“You’ll met the bride at the wedding!” Naruto beamed. “Try not to stare though, she’s mine now.”

“Do you think possessing someone is the same as marriage?” Sasuke grunted. Naruto kicked him under the table. Sakura yelped.

“Sorry Sakura-chan! It was meant for the idiot next to you.”

“Don’t worry Naruto, she’s all yours.” Itachi smiled. Naruto wrapped his arm around his brother’. Sasuke frowned. The master of physical contact, Sasuke should’ve expected it.

“I already like you better than Sasuke! Can’t believe he waited a month ‘till he introduced you to us.” Naruto pouted. It was Sasuke’s turn to kick him under the table.

“I’m pretty sure that’s not true,” Itachi said after Naruto unwrapped himself from him. “He’s going to be your best man, isn’t that right?”

“Fine!” Naruto huffed, “He can be a giant arrogant jerk, but I guess he’s my favorite person. After my parents and Hinata, of course.”

“Family and love always come first, yes.” Itachi nodded.

“Would you stop talking about me like I’m not right here?” Sasuke rolled his eyes, taking a drink of sake.

“Was he always like this?” Naruto asked his brother. Sasuke was used to the idiot running his mouth, so he just leaned on the chair, blocking him out. He did want to hear the conversation though, just to hear his name roll off Itachi’s lips. That way he could stare at him, pretending he’s just innocently listening to the conversation.

Itachi bought new clothes a week before, much to Sasuke’s annoyance. He’d gotten used to them sharing his own. Especially since his older brother was slimmer, making him look extremely cute. They fit him perfectly now, which wasn’t something Sasuke liked. It made him stare, and brothers don’t do that.

He was slowly accepting the unfortunate situation, along with his wicked thoughts. He tried suppressing them laying along in the bed at night, but eventually everything came rushing back out in a hot, sticky mess. The bodies in his mind developed faces. They morphed into one, perfect human with long hair and tired eyes. And those eyelashes, oh dear God.

“Actually,” Itachi’s eyes met his for a split second, before returning to Naruto. “Sasuke is quite mellow.”

“Yea, like anyone who’s ever met him would believe that.”

“He literally took a month off for his brother, Naruto, I think Itachi might have a point here.” Sakura chuckled beside him.

“I am not _mellow_.” Sasuke countered. Itachi’s eyes wrinkled.

Naruto seemed deep in thought. _Oh, this wasn’t going to be good_.

“What if Itachi is like his soft spot?”

Sasuke was mentally preparing to bolt right out of there. Or punch Naruto. Or both.

“You started this.” He pointed at Itachi accusatory. His brother seemed to be suppressing a smile. Sasuke could never actually be mad at him.

His eyes softened, returning his attention to the glass of sake.

Sakura hummed. “Guess you’re right.”

They were all feeling the effects of alcohol by the second hour. Sasuke was feeling particularly relaxed, maybe even happy, as he watched Naruto and Sakura bicker across the table over something completely irrelevant. Or maybe it wasn’t that irrelevant, and he just didn’t care.

He felt a soft brush against his leg, but decided to ignore it considering no one was really in control of their actions at the moment.

“I would’ve absolutely kicked his ass, with or without Sasuke!” There was a yell.

The second brush wasn’t as easily ignored. Sasuke looked up in the soft haze. Itachi had his face leaned against his palm, apparently listening to the meaningless conversation. Couldn’t have been him, for sure.

“You like him way too much to be objective.” Naruto mumbled. It was loud enough for everyone at the table to hear him. Sasuke stiffened.

The three jounin had an unspoken agreement about not touching that subject. Sasuke knew they’ve broken it many times once he was out of their sight.

Sakura blushed. Sasuke scooted away. Itachi sighed.

Sasuke made clear to his brother that he rejected every offer Sakura made to him, but it still made him uneasy for some reason. Itachi obviously wanted him to be happy, and Sasuke felt like failing his expectations. Even though both of them had different ideas of a happy life, the younger didn’t want for his brother to think he’d ever leave him.

Sasuke followed Sakura’s eyes to his brother’s. Was she hoping for a reinforcement? For someone to finally tell her _“He’ll come to his senses eventually._ ”?

Itachi provided no such thing. Sasuke exhaled a breath of relief.

The conversation died down after that. Sakura was obviously embarrassed, and it was Naruto’s fault. Sasuke still felt guilty.

“I think I’m going to go home,” Sakura slowly stoop up. “Too much sake for me, I’m afraid.”

Sasuke knew that wasn’t the reason, and so did the two men sitting on the opposite side of the table. He wished he could comfort her somehow, yet nothing came to mind. Sakura was painfully clear about his intentions. Or lack of them.

“Sasuke!” Naruto yelled. He better not make him the bad guy here. Sasuke just wanted a peaceful night where he’d introduce his most important person to his two best friends, but emotions always seem to have different plans.

“It’s really late, and Sakura-chan lives across the village, so you should walk her home.” Fucking smartass.

He was about to make a counter offer, but the idiot knew his train of thought too well.

“Hinata just finished her practice with Neji, so she should be on her way over. You know she’s shy when meeting new people, soooo..”

Sasuke glowered. Naruto was making shit up on the spot and he doesn’t feel a drop of shame. “Didn’t you say Itachi would meet her at the wedding?”

“Sasuke-kun, you don’t need-”

Naruto just stared back, doe eyes and all that innocent shit. “Yea well, I got to know Itachi and now I can’t wait to show off my fiancée. That’s not a crime.”

The lies flew smoothly from his lips. He was way too experienced at setting them up.

“Is she actually coming?”

He heard Itachi clear his throat, obviously forgotten in the midst of the romantic comedy, “He really did text her a while back.”

And then, Sasuke had to admit defeat.

“You don’t have to do me favors.” Sakura actually seemed mad. He knew he was insensitive, selfish even.

He stood up, draping the thin coat over his shoulders, “I’m sorry Sakura, that was rude of me. It’s just that Naruto likes to play games, you know that.”

Sasuke murmured _I’ll be back_ to Naruto and Itachi, before following Sakura out of the bar.

This was the familiar part. The two of them alone, Sakura trying to express her feelings, and Sasuke worrying he’d make her sad. Again.

The new part, painfully unfamiliar, was the novelty of Sasuke’s feelings. He knew what he liked now, whom he liked and devoted entire life to. Now he needed to worry about an accidental slip up.

He sped up his steps, making the pink haired girl follow him. No talking, _please_.

“Itachi seemed really nice.”

An understatement.

“He is.” He is beautiful, brilliant, the epitome of happiness.

“You two look alike.” She said after a minute. They were crossing the bridge where the Team Seven spent most of their time waiting for Kakashi. Sakura used to always agree with him, thinking it would bring them closer. To what?

“Not really.” Itachi had thinner face, softer eyes. His hair probably wasn’t as stiff as Sasuke’s. As if he ever dared to touch it. He was slimmer, even though they were almost the same height. Sasuke was secretly happy he could notice a centimeter or two of a difference. Maybe he’d grow even more, and loom over the older one. Just to witness those eyes look at him from below.

Sasuke wanted to go back. To sit next to Itachi, across the happy couple. He could imagine it was a double date, as sinful as it sounds. To be happy, and pretend Itachi wouldn’t be absolutely disgusted by his thoughts.

“I’m sorry,” Sasuke admitted as they were reaching Sakura’s apartment.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about.” He could hear the hurt in the girl’s voice. “Go back now, they’re waiting.”

Sasuke hesitated. He couldn’t tear every relationship up just because he was a wreck of a man.

He leaned over. Sakura’s eyes widened.

Sasuke was a wicked man.

“What are you-” Sasuke closer her lips with his own.

He didn’t think this trough. Or maybe he thought too much. Wanting to be normal.

Would it make him realize he was just idolizing his brother, without ulterior motives? Would it stop the depravity in his mind?

He needed to try it. Try and fix himself. It wasn’t fair to his brother. To be living with someone who wanted to worship you from the inside out. Who wanted to devour you.

Lips moved against his own. Sasuke closed his eyes. Absolutely nothing. Why couldn’t he ever feel anything?

He broke away from Sakura. The kiss hasn’t lasted more than a couple of seconds. As much as it wasn’t fair to his brother, Sakura didn’t do anything to deserve it either.

“I’m sorry.” He repeated.

It wasn’t fair to anyone.

The trip back to the bar was blurry. Sasuke couldn’t feel his legs, arms, face. Like a shell of a human. He never used his friends before. It left a bitter taste on his tongue.

Alas, he felt his own tongue. And remembered what his lips did mere minutes ago.

Since his feeling surfaced, he’d been slowly drowning. Normal person would feel things one step at the moment. Yet, in his case, a timeline didn’t exist. All his life was Itachi. The center of everything. There wasn’t a second Sasuke thought he wanted something so much more. It just happened naturally, so instinctively that Sasuke never got the chance to remember the exact moment over the years. He’d been feeling way too much over such a short amount of time. He wasn’t equipped for emotional shit shows.

However, he couldn’t wish for their old life back. Their old life was hell; constantly separated, even on the day of their parents’ funeral, Itachi had to be in the shadows. Sasuke was too young to realize how much of a toll that took on his big brother. He was grieving himself. And they couldn’t have been together.

Sasuke wondered if the struggles would’ve come for his throat earlier if they’d just been together. He knew it was just a matter of time, and yet, at nineteen, he was no better at dealing with his emotions than a twelve-year-old child.

He somehow found a way inside when Itachi spotted him, immediately grabbing his own jacket while making his way out.

“It was lovely meeting you, Hinata-san. Let’s talk more at the wedding.” Itachi waved at the baffled Hinata. Naruto was observing him, but Sasuke retracted his gaze and followed his brother outside.

“Did you know that Naruto and Hinata already bought an apartment? But they said they’re waiting until they’re married to live together. Hinata-san seems to have some old fashioned values. It’s pretty endearing.”

Sasuke was quiet. He didn’t trust himself to talk.

Itachi continued, “And they actually met as kids. He apparently saved her from some bullies and he’s been Hinata’s savior ever since. Quite the romance, don’t you think?”

Sasuke knew his brother was trying to distract him. Yet, he didn’t push him.

He betrayed Itachi somehow. That was the only thing he could think about. Even though Itachi would praise him for making the first more and finally returning the girl’s feelings, Sasuke only felt sick. Sick from the wrong taste on his lips. Sick of himself.

As they entered the Uchiha district, Sasuke felt the courage to take his brother’s hand. Everyone was sleeping, and the fog was thick enough to mask them.

“I’m not drunk.” Sasuke stated. He wasn’t.

“I believe you.” Itachi didn’t move his own hand. Letting his little brother take the comfort he desperately needed.

Sasuke gripped the hand tighter as they silently walked through their neighborhood. Everything seemed so familiar and nostalgic at the same time. Like present and past intertwined.

The old food stand where the aunties would greet him on the way to academy, the candy shop where he’d buy Itachi’s favorites just to feel closer to him. The top of the tall tree where he would watch over the district and wait for him brother to come home.

In the present, his brother was right next to him, offering the intimate warmth. Yet, Sasuke was in pain. He was doubtlessly happy. And he was also agonizingly sad. Sad and disappointed at himself.

They settled in the living room, when Itachi let go of his hand in order to take off his shoes. Sasuke’s hand had twitched at the emptiness.

“It’s Sakura, isn’t it?”

Sasuke let out a breath, trying to calm himself. Getting this worked up over a kiss, pathetic.

“Did she say something to upset you?” Itachi tucked a leg underneath him as he leaned to the side to look at his brother’s profile.

Sasuke didn’t want to look back.

“I’m sorry.” He couldn’t stop saying it. His sorry self, trying to piece together the remainder of his sanity.

No one turned on the lights. The wind howled outside the warm house.

Sasuke hiccupped, trying to keep his sobs hidden. Itachi wasn’t dull, he must’ve known something was off for a while. Why he chose to ignore it wasn’t something Sasuke could understand.

Sasuke stood up before he started pacing the room, full of jumbled thoughts and terrifying realizations.

Itachi leaned on his knees, “What are you sorry for?”

Oh, how he didn’t want to hear him talk at that moment. His heart was crippled with sin. His brother mustn’t be burdened. As long as Sasuke was the only one in pain, it would be okay, he would’ve fulfilled his duty.

The pacing stopped when he felt a hand behind his head. Sasuke looked up, finding Itachi’s forehead pressed against his.

“No matter what’s wrong, what you feel or do, I will always love you.” A warm brush of air against his lips. “You know that, right?”

Sasuke felt himself nodding. He didn’t want to close his eyes. Couldn’t if he wanted to, really.

Itachi just kept looking at him, a breath away from his face, like he was waiting. Sasuke was waiting also. For what was an entirely different subject.

Sasuke was scared. Of himself, of what he might do.

He couldn’t defile his world.

The sound of thunder made him forcefully back away from his brother. At least he’d calmed down. Protecting Itachi, even if it was from himself, has always been his purpose.

Itachi’s eyes seemed clouded across the dark room. The moonlight made them look seemingly somber. His hand fell, no longer buried in Sasuke’s hair. Sasuke’s own hand twitched.

He had to fix the situation. To convince his brother he was fine.

There was something on his mind since Itachi returned. The moment right then and there might be the only chance he’d get an honest answer.

“You’ve been having nightmares.”

Itachi’s breath hitched. Sasuke flinched despite of himself. Curse him for being so blunt.

He slowly made his way closer to his brother. “You don’t have to tell me if you’re not ready. Even if you’re never ready, that’s fine by me.”

Sasuke ran his hand through his hair. “It’s just that... You’re in pain. I can see it, hear it. I might never be enough to soothe it, but I want to help you. I need to.”

Itachi didn’t say a word. It was finally Sasuke’s turn to learn how to offer love.

He made up his mind and enveloped Itachi’s hand. Never did he try to be the pillar for someone. To be the thought that grounds them.

He didn’t expect to hear a chuckle from his brother’s lips.

“Changing subjects so easily. You’ve really grown up.”

Sasuke frowned. “My issues are inconsequential. I kissed a girl and regretted it. That’s all there is to it. But you’ve been hurting. You’re in agony and I can’t do anything.”

And then he realized he just admitted to kissing Sakura.

Itachi’s eyes widened a fraction. Sasuke let go of his hand to try to gain the upper ground. To compose himself.

But his brother persevered. He caught him again.

“I’ll tell you about the dreams. If you want to.”

Sasuke nodded again, not expecting there would ever be a time where his brother would say next thing. “I’ll understand if you hate me after. I don’t particularly like myself, either. If you want me to leave after this, I’ll be gone.”

He thought it was a joke at first. Chuckling, he made his way back to the sofa. Itachi stood motionless in front of him. The moonlight behind his back seemed to agree with Sasuke. An angel.

“How could you ever,” Sasuke breathed, turning agitated. “Ever! Think that there is a single thing that could make me hate you?”

Itachi wasn’t convinced.

“How little do you think of me, Itachi?” He was going livid for all of the wrong reasons. This wasn’t about him. He wasn’t alone anymore.

“I’m sorry. I’ll listen.”

Itachi seemed hesitant to start. Why was he scared?

“My first partner was called Juzo. He thought I was a child. Gifted, but a child nonetheless. Which I was,” He settled next to Sasuke, eyes trained on the ground. “He led our first assassination. Told me to start with whatever my specialty was, and he was going to finish them.”

Sasuke’s breath hitched. He could only guess in how much pain Itachi was at that moment, how much he kept to himself all those years.

“I killed two people with my kunai. It happened in seconds. We were paid for the assassination. Didn’t know by whom, didn’t care. I still don’t know if their death was justified. I killed the third one with genjutsu. I tried to do it as painlessly as possible, but at the end of the day, he’s still dead.”

Sasuke glared. “You didn’t have a choice.”

“That’s not true,” his smile was without mirth. “Juzo died shortly after. Protecting me. A kid.”

Sasuke didn’t expect the turn of events. Weren’t all of Akatsuki mindless monsters? Didn’t they want to destroy the world?

Yet, at that moment he was grateful. His brother had a comrade, as fucked up as the guy was.

“We didn’t mourn him. My next partner was Kisame. We continued the slaughter. I became more of a monster each passing day. For the sole purpose of bringing them down.”

Itachi raised his head to look at his brother. Did he think Sasuke would just turn around and leave him?

“There was a girl from Kirigakure. She recognized Kisame as a missing-nin. Attacked us. It seemed like I developed a natural reflex to kill. I burned her alive.” He was expecting a disgusted look from Sasuke. Yet the man just silently listened, no change of emotion whatsoever.

“But then there were two screams. From the burning girl, and another holler coming straight towards them. Before Kisame could react, I trapped her in my genjutsu. They were sisters, I found out. The ugliest thing was, that didn’t stop me. I released the genjutsu just to let the immobilized girl watch her sister wither and die. I wanted to warn her in the most grotesque way possible. To stop, to get away from the two murderers, and run for her life. Because, the next time she’d come after me, I’d kill her.”

Sasuke heard himself ask, “Did she run?”

“What do you think?”

He knew the answer already. If it were him, he’d burn the world to the ground, and them himself.

“She attacked you.” Sasuke answered.

His brother frowned. “That she did. And then I killed her. Not even giving her a chance to protect herself. I slashed her throat, Sasuke.”

Sasuke found the strength to lift his arm. The courage to touch the stray hair that always seemed to block Itachi’s vision. His hair was as soft as he imagined. Everything about Itachi was so precious to him.

Itachi visibly relaxed at the touch, which made the other’s hand rest it on his cheek.

“The nightmares started after that. Mother and father died. You were alone, and I was a murderer. The girl in my dreams would watch her sister die over and over again. I would beg her to forgive me.”

He stood up now, fear seemingly replacing the guilt. “Other times, she would have me restrained there in the woods where I killed her blood. She would restrain me against a tree and slowly cut your throat open.”

Sasuke flinched when the older started laughing. “Adequate revenge, don’t you think? I’ve watched you die, Sasuke. Countless times over the past years. You’d cry for me. To save you, to kill her. And then right before I’d wake up, you would call me out for what I was. An abomination, a murderer.”

Sasuke needed to stop him before his train of thoughts got wilder.

“Your lifeless body falling on the ground. The last look being only hate. I deserved it. My wrists were scraped open to the flesh, but I still couldn’t reach you.” Itachi’s eyes were losing their light. He was reliving the dream over and over again.

It took him two steps to reach his brother and put Itachi’s hand over his own chest.

“But I’m alive.”

“You-” Itachi finally looked him in the eyes. He was frowning. It was a look he never received from his brother. Itachi was mad?

“Did you hear a word I said?” He removed his hand from Sasuke’s chest, pushing him slightly.

Sasuke wasn’t strong enough to beat some sense into him, nor would he ever be able to seriously raise his hand at Itachi. Yet, he knew something had to be done. Itachi was breaking, the pain he suffered over the years finally overflowing.

“I’m alive!” He roared, shoving Itachi against the wall, earning a surprised gasp from the other. “I’m alive, and so are you! Past can’t be forgotten, but it can be overcome. It can be condoned.”

Sasuke searched those eyes, trying to find just a portion of understanding. “If you want to be hated, you’ve come to the wrong place, brother. Go to their families, to the victims of your crimes, and have them judge you.”

“But I,” He gripped Itachi’s collar, then let it, go moving away from him. “I can’t hate you. Won’t. I will stand by you while you redeem yourself. And if you really want to be punished, I will be right there next to you, bearing the same pain. Because, Itachi, you are the most noble man I’ve ever had the luck to encounter.”

His voice was barely a whisper at the end of it all.

It took him a minute to calm down, when he heard a soft voice.

“You were wrong. You _are_ enough.” Like all strength left him, Itachi slid down to the floor.

Like a moth drawn to a flame, Sasuke kneeled in front of him. His brother wasn’t particularly great at expressing his feelings. The years they spent separated didn’t help. Sasuke learned to interpret his actions and little gestures, rather than words.

“I deserve to be punished, to be dragged through the mud and left bare. But, if you’re so sure you’d bear the pain with me, little brother, then I’m ready to turn into a narcissist.”


End file.
